Dear Ingeborg “Apidae” Trunchbull the Bee,
Yes, I know that isn’t your real name.
In fact, since you are just a bee that lives around Centennial Garden I don’t even need to make one up for you.
But I’m doing so anyway to make me sound less crazy when I am personifying and writing a letter to a freaking insect.
Ingeborg by the way because it was the most random girl name I could think of starting with an “I” (since I assume you are a worker bee which are all female, and the letter to stand in for Insect, just because). Apidae for the taxonomical family you are in (along with all other bee species).
As for Trunchbull… well I needed a last name and your threatening buzzing around in my hair reminded me of Agatha Trunchbull’s words (clip from the 1996 movie) from Matilda by Ronald Dahl.
Hi! I’m Rebecca.
You know, that girl who shows up in Centennial Gardens a lot to help give recorded feedback about friend’s spoken English for a school project?
The one you keep following for no good reason?
Hi. I’m not happy right and want to talk, Ingeborg.
Please… sit. (or hover menacingly, I don’t care as long as you listen)
I’m not sure WHY you keep chasing me in particular, maybe it is my hair scrunchies that you keep mistaking for flowers or the new shampoo I’m using or whatever,
For the love of all things holy…
This is nearly the 4th day in a row now.
And its always me specifically.
Not the person I’m tutoring, not the other students near me, heck not even the dozen or so other people milling around the park at any given time!
No, it’s always ME.
And you have some weird obsession with my hair.
I get it.
You are a vital part of our world’s ecosystem and have a job to do so you don’t starve over the coming winter months.
Maybe you are behind on nectar collection and need to work overtime.
Or maybe I’m giving you too much credit.
Maybe you just want to imitate Barry B. Benson from the Bee Movie (2007) by falling in love with a female human, accidentally altering the world’s ecological balance, before stealing a party float, hijacking a plain and saving the world’s flowers.
Or I’m galactic royalty and you are acknowledging it like I’m Jupiter Jones in Jupiter Ascending (2015).
But today…. TODAY….
Today was the last bloody straw.
Today, you held my freaking laptop hostage to get my attention.
You forced me and my Tutee to relocate to the stairwell of Hoi Oh Chow to continue our recording (which is much louder than the gardens).
Heck, you showed up at Happy Park today to annoy me while I walked around different booths learning about service opportunities.
Don’t you dare deny it! I’ve got a good half dozen witnesses!
Like that’s not even part of Centennial Campus!
What the HECK, Ingie??
(unless it was one of your friends/sisters in which case, tell her to stop as well)
If I haven’t made this abundantly clear by now….
Piss off, Ingeborg Trunchbull the Bee!
Stop chasing me around and messing with my hair, or… or… [Insert statement here that a bee would find threatening]!